I guess today I'm in the sadness stage.
Profound sadness.
I think it started last night, considering I sat in the middle of my kitchen on the floor and sobbed for an hour or so.
My heart is hurting so much and that doesn't describe it.
I went for my final insult blood draw this morning. I threw away those positive HPTs because I could no longer stand to see them.
I talked to my sister last night. She reminded me, quite matter of factly, that because of past experience I know that time will help. Yeah, she's right. But she's also fertile and has absolutely no fucking idea of the pain I am in. She never will; it's simply impossible for her. She takes her kids to soccer and does homework with them and bakes cookies with them and is already doing Santa Claus shopping for them and she carried them in her uterus for nine months and felt them kick and felt them grow and laid on her bed at night in awe and wonder watching her belly move with their movements and said to her husband "look at this! feel this!" and he did and she went through labor and birthed them and saw them come screaming into the world and then she nursed them at her breast and she knew that when they cried someone would pick them up and she knew that she gave them the best chance in life because she took excellent care of herself and she watched them sleeping in their crib at night in amazement that they were hers.
And I will get none of that. And I'm sorry, no amount of time heals that wound completely.
PS I didn't go out to dinner on Saturday with my doc friend. Their beta yesterday was 255. Because it was their first IVF. Because they cycled with us, so that naturally meant we would lose and they would win. Because that's the way it feels right now.
9 years ago
Ugh, I feel so helpless... I hurt for you, with you. I wish I could have given you a great big hug as you sat on the kitchen floor sobbing. Yes, time will heal, but there will be an unrepairable hole in your heart. I wish I could fill that hole and give you your dreams. I wish, I wish, I wish...
ReplyDeleteOh DAVs. I've been there.Every step of what you're feeling. It hurts so much you think you will rip in two. And no one understands. And you feel so so alone.
ReplyDeleteExcept you are not alone. There are all these women here standing here beside you. With you. Here.
Mo
DAVs, I can't bear that you're going through this. You're the last person in the world that should be feeling this much sadness.
ReplyDeleteAs always, you're so right-on...about how even though they try, the fertiles can't comprehend the pain. If it's any consolation, *I* understand the pain.
Picking yourself up from the floor is going to take time. But no matter how long it takes, we'll still be here. We won't leave you. You're so loved.
Right here with you.... I hear you, and I feel your pain. I wish there was something one could do to ease the pain.
ReplyDelete((Hugs))
Time may give you distance, but no amount of time will heal that wound. No words will either. I hate that infertility has left this raw permanent wound in your heart. It should have never been there in the first place. This has all been horribly unfair from the very beginning and the gravity of your pain and heartache just kills me. I wish I had answers. I wish I had a solution.
ReplyDeleteAll your feelings are totally understandable, and I'd have been pissed at the "time will heal" comment too. Sometimes it doesn't heal all that much, especially when you said this is it, no more.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry about your chemical, and even sorrier that your cycle buddy had the resounding BFP. Life's so damn unfair. I had one for my cycle that was cancelled for crap response too - she got a nice BFP and a number of frosties after having 20+ retrieved, while I was wondering how we'd ever squeeze in another cycle around life. Envy is not a comfortable place to be, but it's always there.
Hope you and your DH can hang tight together and be there for each other.
I'm really, really sorry. I can't imagine the pain you are going through.. I just wish and pray peace in your heart however unattainable it seems right now.
ReplyDeleteI'm always amazed when you write about Mr LC.. he seems so very kind, compassionate, loving - the relationship you share is def one of a kind. I'm sure many people envy you and the beautiful relationship you have with Mr LC. -I'm confident that one day you will have children and make the perfect family an even more perfect family.
In the meantime hang onto each other.. you both are so lucky to have one another.
hugs, sofia (ds)
B is right. Time may give you distance, but it can't heal the wound. There are just no words. WE are heartbroken for you. Just heartbroken. Don't let anyone, even your sister, tell you that they understand how you feel. My dear friend, please take care of your heart.
ReplyDeleteI thought about you a lot last night. God this pain hurts. You deserve so, so, so much more - knowing that makes it worse, of course. I know it feels so insulting to hear kind, "understanding" words from someone who has babies and is living the life you want because you just know as much as they love you and WANT to understand, they just can't. Warmest hugs.
ReplyDeleteTime softens and blurs, but it never erases pain like this. And the softening doesn't and isn't going to come quickly. There will always be times it will pierce you through.
ReplyDeleteHolding you in my thoughts and my heart.
(((hugs)))
The open wounds on your soul from how you're feeling will heal with time, but will leave scars that are a constant reminder. They'll still feel raw, but take comfort that when you're eventually successful, and are horrifically sleep-deprived and at the end of your tether, you'll look back on the scars and remind yourself of how strong you were to get to your goal.
ReplyDeleteGive yourself time to grieve properly. I think the one thing that fertiles always fail to understand is that every failed IVF feels like not just a missed opportunity but actually losing a baby. For those few fleeting moments in the TWW there is an embryo inside you - essentially you are pregnant - and then it's taken away from you. It's the dreaded combination of hope and despair, so closely paired, that hurts even deeper. Mourn your loss and don't feel guilty about doing so.
[p.s. Tell your sister to buy and read a copy of Tertia Albertyn's book 'So Close' if she wants to begin to understand what you're going through. (It's like an extended TTC blog.) You at least need her to be able to relate to you, even if she'll never really understand.]
Wishing you your heart's desires.
This all just completely sucks. I just want to jump through the screen and sit with you on the kitchen floor... I hate this for you so much.
ReplyDeleteThose who have never walked this road can't even come close to grasping the pain/anger/sadness/confusion and every other f'd up emotion that is taken to the extreme with IF. People mean well, can't stand to see us in pain, and try to make us feel better. They tend to say things that generally make only themselves feel better. I hate that most are so scared of our grief and are not able to just meet us where we are today...hurting and in pain and in need of someone to just say "I'm sorry this sucks so much for you right now." There is nothing to "get over" or "fix". We just learn to live a little differently to keep our hearts protected and it still hurts.
I'm right here listening and feeling your pain. Many hugs my friend.
I wish I had some words that would help you feel better, both now, and always when your heart aches for this. I am sorry that your friend got it and you didn't. I wish it were the other way around.
ReplyDelete((HUGS))
ReplyDeleteHello I have been following your journey and understand your grief all to well. I also went through multiple IVF's and miscarriage and finally decided to go through egg donor. I know this is not an option for everyone. But for me it was the only way to have a child with my husband. I rejoice every day and see this child as mine one hundred percent. I hope you find peace in your journey and you are in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI remember at my worst lying on the kitchen floor crying on Mother's Day. It is so important to give ourselves the time and space to grieve these losses. If I could sit with you on the kitchen floor and wipe your tears, I would.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you and sending many hugs...
ReplyDeleteEveryone else says exactly my thoughts (and so much better, I might add!) but I just want to tell you that I'm so very sorry, I hate this whole thing and I want to also just curl up on the floor with you and cry.
ReplyDeleteSending you support and hugs...
I've typed about twenty different things into this comment box but none of them seem to mean what I really want to say. I just want you to know that I realize I can't even imagine what you are really feeling, but I am heartbroken for you nonetheless.
ReplyDeletePS - I don't think the universe actually won anything here - it would have been so much better off filled with your happiness. I wish it didn't all just suck so much.
hello
ReplyDeletei do not know what you are going through. honestly, i have never lost a child, so i do not how much it must hurt for you. But even at 15, I can understand being in the most unbelievable emotional pain.
I admire your strength, even if you do not feel that you have any. I assure you that you are incredibly brave, and truly do have a beautiful soul. I am so sorry for you, and the pain that this miscarriage has caused. I believe and hope that one day, you will successfully give birth to a beautiful, healthy baby.
goodluck and best wishes,
M.K.
I am so sorry this breaks my heart to read! God bless you :) xxx
ReplyDeleteI hate that this is how this has turned out for you & Mr LC. I wish I could be there with you. Many hugs. I'm thinking and praying for you both. Melissa
ReplyDelete